Deck the Halls with Bowls of Ramen



The world is a big place. The rarefied, gasping heights of Everest Base Camp are a long way from the torrid swamps of the Okavango Delta. The imposing, seemingly indestructible walls of Dubrovnik are but a speck in time next to the windswept cliffs of Santa Cruz island. Team J00ster has been lucky enough to see a small slice of this planet we call Earth, but there's one time of the year where there really is no place like home. Christmas in New York is special. A time when the waft of roasting chestnuts on Fifth Avenue mingles with the cheery tinkle of bells on the Central Park carriages. A time when spicy cider at the Union Square market washes down a tasty mouthful of holiday goodies from Momofuku milk bar. With the island almost overflowing with holiday cheer, it's easy to forget that for at least half Manhattan's multicultural inhabitants Christmas isn't even a holiday. Which is a really great thing when you're craving a bit of ramen with your eggnog.

 

 

Every year the New York Botanical Garden hosts the Holiday Train Show, when magically the greenhouses and conservatories are transformed into tiny winter wonderlands full of miniature trains puffing their way around the foliage and past intricately detailed NY landmarks. Who said botany isn't one of the hard science?

 

When heading back to the Steam Age, you have to look the part. Someone whip me up a rye Old Fashioned in the bar car.

 

Sorry, the Don Draper look is reserved for those from across the Williamsburg Bridge.

The subprime crisis is over, downsizing is so 2008.

Only in NY does the kids' Gingerbread Adventure Garden take on a haute-Gothic undertone.

A campfire and marshmallows would go down a treat, but Mayor Bloomberg discourages anything that contains sugar or fun, or God forbid, both.

It's like Fantasy Land, except without the snotty kids and high fructose corn syrup. Oh and without the rides too. Lame.

There's cannibalism, and then there's eating the entire family, gumdrop buttons and all.

The Bronx is so far out in the wilderness you can almost see the stars. And we're not talking about the Yankees' geriatric lineup down the road.

Cocktails and model trains? Isn't that like a supermodel dating a geek?

Speaking of geeks...

Welcome to the Little Apple!

That little holiday trolley looks a bit more upmarket than the 5.40am Express 4 to Crown-Heights Utica Avenue via Wall Street.

Every building is lovingly crafted out of natural materials. If only the MTA put so much effort into the real subway system.

Even in G-Scale 1:32 size Rock can't afford Manhattan real estate.

The Williamsburg Bridge. To cross you need to be a neo-forager locavore in re-appropriated skinny jeans.

This looks suspiciously like the Sydney Harbor Bridge, except it can't be, because the trains seem to be running over it without three hour signal delays.

Penn Station would have rivaled Grand Central for grandeur, but alas in a moment of stupidity it was ripped down to make way for a few more generic skyscrapers.

Don't forget to tip the doormen on the way out. Starched white Upper East Side gloves always work a little better with a touch of green.

An eclectic collection of landmarks from across America, faithfully recreated in 1:32 scale, or in the case of the ones from Texas 1:50 scale to make sure they fit in with everything else.

All aboard the Nostalgia Express. If you need to get to Foreclosure Central, Post-Industrial Gardens, or Poverty Mews try Amtrak. They'll get you there eventually... and it will be the one time you'll be glad to be three hours late.

30 Rock and The Rock share the stage with the Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, and Metropolitan Life Insurance Tower.

Hop on board if you want to head out to that promise land in the West, where NFC quarterbacks actually know how to win games down the stretch.

Even the Botanical Garden's own conservatory makes a celebrity appearance in miniature. Which is just like every appearance for Tom Cruise.

Yankee Stadium comes complete with floodlights and a tiny roaring crowd. Not sure what they're roaring about to be honest, unless it's indignation at another A-rod strike out when it's all on the line.

Brooklyn Bridge, the new front line in the Battle for New York. On one side the storied Knicks and their fortress Garden emblazoned with the pennants of legendary victories past. On the other side the upstart Nets, with their sleek, hip new arena and locavore hot dogs. And in the middle, Rock waiting patiently to see which side actually makes the playoffs before buying his hat.

Even Central Park gets a gig, her lush foliage carefully recreated on a micro scale. Bet the hot dogs are still the same price though.

All aboard the Orient Express! Hang on, I thought that's the 7 Express to Flushing?

And that brings us to the end of the line. This train is now out of service, all passengers please disembark here. To all our faithful readers, Merry Christmas!

The Big 6 Part 5: The Land of Giants

Hang on, I thought the official slogan of Chobe National Park was "The Land of the Giants". Seems someone accidentally let the shorties in.

Only a few minutes into an introductory boat cruise down the Chobe, and already the animals are lining up faster than Rock can click the shutter. Given the river is pretty much the only water in all of Botswana, thirsty herds of every animal under the sun make a beeline for it. Which suits this lazy bloke just fine, he barely needs to move to snap up his next meal.

Like rush hour at Heathrow, the incoming heavies are lining up.

One of the most indelible sights of the whole trip: a mighty herd of elephants swims the expansive Chobe in orderly single file.

By going one by one, the clever herd ensures that if one elephant runs into unexpected crocodile trouble, the rest at least can take a detour. Talk about taking one for the herd.

Does anyone else get the feeling this boat cruise is just a touch more leisurely than a four hour fast march at 6am out in the delta. Why try to beat the animals at their own game? Technology beats teeth and claws any day... or so they hope.

Splashdown! A pod of hippos knows how to make a grand entrance. They may look tubby and harmless on land, but they are actually one of Africa's most prolific man-killers. Many a canoe has met a splintery end in the jaws of these beasts.

There's a ton of birds out here, but alas they are forever destined to be the filler shot one uses to check the exposure whilst waiting for a more celebrated beast to show up.

Speaking of a more celebrated beasts, check out that chiseled predator and his harem. Err, in his dreams anyway, what's the singular of harem?

The concentration of wildlife in Chobe is like the concentration of ants in a NZ kitchen; the place is literally overrun.

Somewhere under the rainbow.

The boutique Garden Lodge brings back colonial charm without the uncharming bits. Like slaves for example. Every night all the guests are called to a formal dinner party where gourmet cooking mingles with stories of epic adventures and harrowing escapes on the high savanna.

Time to swap the boat for a bumpy Land Cruiser to tackle the park from the land side.

Looks like we've come to the right place, evidently wildlife and their leftover parts are plentiful around here.

Looks like the road code needs a little tweaking. It seems elephants have the right of way no matter which side of the intersection they're on.

The race is on! Three sable antelope battle it out for Gold, Silver, and Torn to Shreds by a Lion.

Speaking of lions, doesn't look like this lazy kitty is tearing anything to shreds any time soon. She's ready to find a cozy armchair and a bowl of milk.

Elephants are so prolific in the park they outnumber tourists by at least 10 to 1, which is saying something given the endless convey of jeeps rolling into the park.

The circle of life is what those at the bottom of the food chain tell themselves to feel better. Let's face it, the lions aren't really sweating it wondering who is going to get them.

Watch where you point those things, or no more tick removal service for you.

The sun sets on a magnificent continent. Africa may be in the 6 o'clock news for all the wrong reasons - famine, civil war, corruption, they all exist on a vast scale to be sure - but so does almost limitless opportunity. Botswana is a case in point, a proudly democratic nation and one of the fastest growing states in the world. Watch this space.

This is Africa.

The Big, Bigger, and Biggest 6.

Booooorrrrriiing. Where are the lions?

Kudu in full flight, good luck to the lion who tries to chase this one down. You're better off going after Usain Bolt.

Ironically, the elephant protection programs have been so successful, that now keeping a lid on the population has become a major problem. Rock has a solution: more lions, more lions, more lions.

But this will do too. An elusive leopard lurks in the shadows, his penetrating gaze tracking every movement on the scorched savanna beyond.

In any other park, these guinea fowl would be quite cool, but out here in Chobe the bar is a bit higher.

Hang on, aren't you a Disney cartoon?

Even the mightiest can fall. Watch out Rock.

A well deserved pit stop. Ok, we confess, there was nothing really deserved about it. Sitting in comfort in a jeep while animals line up to parade in front of you isn't the most challenging feat. But hey, if the Big 6 waited for challenging feats to celebrate it would be one thirsty trip.

A billion reasons to believe in Africa? Ah, I get it, they must be referring to the profits they will reap by Opening Happiness from the Cape of Good Hope to the Suez Canal.

Thirsty work foraging these tree branches, I'd look out for the coke jeep too.

In case you haven't gotten the idea yet, there's a few elephants around these parts.

Not everyone is a giant out here. So don't worry Mei, you're not alone.

We'd like to claim this was a blood-curdling roar, but it was actually a yawn. So far the lions haven't really lived up to their billing as the king of beasts. More like the king of power naps.

Hang on, someone is getting a bit peckish.

Turns out he has just come around to see if any of his women have whipped up some impala steaks yet. Foolish dude, he should know better by now, they're still asleep.

More yawns. Much like the photographer, waiting and waiting for something other than a tail twitch.

This is promising. As the sun sets, we have a bit of stretching action. Limbering up for the hunt?

The transformation is awesome. In one smooth movement lazy Fluffy is transformed into a sinuous hunting machine, every meticulous step a inch closer to doom for her hapless prey.

A lone giraffe, isolated and alone, scans the empty plain. Even from such a lofty vantage point, he spots nothing in the encroaching dusk.

In an incredible game of roulette, the lioness takes one deliberate step at a time, sometimes freezing for interminable minutes when the giraffe's gaze swings her way.

The tension is unbearable as the hunter creeps ever closer, and still the giraffe seems unaware that death is nearly upon him.

And then, in a faction of a second, the chase is on! Whether he saw the lioness at the last second or some sixth sense urged him to flee for his life is impossible to say, but whatever the reason he explodes into action with just enough of a lead to leave the contest precariously balanced.

With his huge height advantage, the giraffe quickly puts some distance on the pursuer, as he veers towards the cover of the bush.

What happened next will be lost forever in the tangled undergrowth of the Dark Continent. Only minutes before, the jeep passed a whole pride of lions lying in wait in the bush, so the odds of the giraffe ever emerging alive were bleak. As the lioness pulls up in her chase and the giraffe plunges into the depths of the bush, one gets the feeling a carefully laid trap is falling perfectly into place.

What a finale! One couldn't script a more epic finish, although with Rachael's meticulous planning one has to wonder...