Monday, March 30, 2009

In J00ster videbimus lumen!

In the storied annals of blogging there is perhaps no more famous experiment than the epic Tale of Two Universities in which Professor Cahan, J., former editor of the Journal of World Travel, famously shocked the academic establishment to the core with his groundbreaking conclusion that in the battle of universities, Massey - that humble collection of dilapidated concrete outposts in the middle of a muddy sheep paddock - triumphs above the granite grandeur of the mighty Oxford.

Here, Cahan, R. extends this thread of the literature as he defends his thesis - in partial fulfillment of the requirements of a Doctor of Blogology - that the Ivy League has got nothing on the Whopping Tall Vanilla Milkshakes and Cajun Chips League.

Exhibit 1: Famous Alumni Laaaaddies and Gentlemen, in the Columbia corner, the small matter of two former presidents of the United States, 39 Nobel prize winners, 7 of the 25 richest Americans... Oh, and a chap called Barack Obama. And from the Massey corner... uhm... well let's see... oh, there were those twins a while back who showed a bit of promise in physics, but oh yeah, didn't they sell out to the rich and easy road? Well ok mate, there was that software engineering chick from China wasn't there? She showed a bit of talent... but hang on, I haven't seen the next Google rise up from the back networks of Wuhan yet. Hmmm... back to the drawing board. Oh, I got it mate - there was that politician wasn't there? That dude who appeared on the big Labour billboard on Fitzherbert Avenue every three years? You know man, the one you drive by every night on the way to the Fitz? Come on man, that's like pretty big, eh bro?


Exhibit 2: Endowments Columbia weights in at a cool $7.15 billion. And Massey? Er... endowment? What's dat maaaaate? Oh... I get it, you mean like those Swedish chicks on the Tui billboard? Hur hur hur, I get ya, yeah bro, they got the best endowments by far bro. Columbia? Never met her bro, is she hot?



Exhibit 3: Student Newspaper Every day, Columbia students peruse the Columbia Daily Spectator, founded in 1877, for the latest in intellectual discovery and philosophical discourse. Today's headline story: Women in the Humanities and Sciences: The Shifting Gender Balance in Today's Progressive Faculties. Meanwhile, on the other side of the world Massey students eagerly dive into this week's Chaff, in search of Uncle Trev's anticipated column. The hot topic this week? Women in the Humanities and Sciences: Who's the Best Shag?


Exhibit 4: Campus Facilities Columbia brings an impressive portfolio of monumental Grecian structures, perfectly suited for conducting weighty academic debates and announcing groundbreaking research discoveries to the world, the names of which recount the storied history of the institution: Earl, Hamilton, Hartley, Wallach... Massey has some impressive buildings too, with equally storied names: Ag Hort, the Commercial Complex, Science Towers A, B, C... and wait for it... D. Whaddya mean the Fitz doesn't count bro?


Exhibit 5: Physics Labs Columbia's physics lab boasts some of the world's most advanced scientific equipment: the Columbia High-Beta Tokamak, the Columbia Non-Neutral Torus, the Collisionless Terrella Experiment, to name a few. No contest bro, at Massey we have this cool gizmo that shows the surf conditions out at Foxton. Whadday mean that's an oscilloscope? Hmph. Well, I tell you what we do have bro, we've got a great view down to the Vet tower from up here on the 10th floor. Did you know that class is 90% chicks mate? I tell ya bro, on a hot day that kind of elevation brings a whole new meaning to the ol' Angle of Incidence experiement.

Exhibit 6: Food On a balmy spring day Columbia students and faculty alike flock to the funky cafe scene along Broadway. The cuisine on offer reflects the diversity of the campus - Cuban and Korean on one corner, French and Japanese on another. French? You mean like french fries mate? We have those at Massey too mate. And ours have cajun seasoning all over. And how about them tater top pies at the MUSA shop? They taste pretty darn good after running all the way here from Ag Hort when it's pissing down, eh bro.

Conclusion Do I really need to say more? I wouldn't trade four years at Massey for all the Ivy in Columbia, and neither would you. QED