Oh When the Saints, Go Splashing In

Where can you find a lineup of saints that makes the Vatican look like Aokautere church? That's right, point your superyacht towards the turquoise waters of the southern Caribbean, where gluttony and absolutions are conveniently prepackaged. All you have to do is pick your Saint.

St. Barth is the patron saint of Gucci bikinis, St. Martin watches over the foodies, his half-bro St. Marteen guides the plane spotters, St. Lucia will bless you with Instagram likes. But for under-the-radar good vibes on a tiny gem of an island, St. Kitts is your man.

Dad, why are there carp in the pool?

If that's not a doorway to paradise I don't know what is.

A golf cart to the room? Any chance of a pit stop at the kids' club?

Five hours from midtown elevator to poolside beer? That's winning.

Oh did we forget Nevis across the way? She's not a saint, but with beaches like hers beautification is just around the corner.

Are you sure you weren't looking for St. Barth?

Now that is a kids' club! These days the spoiled monsters expect indoor-outdoor flow and artisanal craft tables.

The adults-only pool. Forget the Pearly Gates, these Instagram-worthy stone ones will do just fine. St. Michael, if you need to pull out the flaming sword to keep the kids away we won't tell.

Uhm, it seems those stone gates were all for social media show after all.

If you venture outside the resort to the beach shacks, you can pick up a bucket for the price of one.

NoFo South!

Kids' club hour is happy hour.

It actually looks peaceful once the kids are in bed.

Pool. Beach. Ice cream shack. Repeat.

Don't judge a pool by the strength of its wifi signal. But if you did, this one is tops.

St. Kitts was once the sugar cane capital of the world. And this train longs for the days when it lugged bags of the sweet stuff instead of eight carriages of cruise ship passengers. Who all seem to be carrying the sugar anyway.

So this is where the term sugar high comes from.

Dad, is the room service here yet?

When the afternoon tropical showers roll in they move quick, like two beers quick.

The calm after the storm. Or rather, the calm before kids' club pickup.

Time for a day trip to Nevis. All lookouts, keep watch for a party boat!

Let's see, starboard is the side with the St. Kitts flag, amiright?

Set sail to paradise. From paradise.

You're steering a good course there capt'n.  Good times, dead ahead.

On turtle watch.

Don't all rush to walk the plank at once now, someone has to finish the pina coladas.

In Qui-Gon Jinn's immortal words, there's always a bigger boat. These days there's always a worse Star Wars movie too.

Land Ho! Thar be the deserted island of Nevis me hearties? Rum ho?

We'll yes, the Four Seasons does have rum. Plenty of it. And when they see you arriving by water you'd better have a whole pocket full of doubloons if you're expecting even a drop.

Sorry, we're out of treasure, time to log into Zoom and plunder some more.

The fast ferry back to St. Kitts takes just minutes to cross the two-mile straight.

Whereas United takes hours to get ATC clearance from EWR. Should have taken the ferry.