Bro Town Part 4: Bondi Boy

Enjoy the rainbow kid, you don't get many of those in Sydney. Oh that's right, because it doesn't rain incessantly there. Burn!

Farewell Aotearoa, it's been a blast. Someone tell Elon Musk to get those intercontinental rocket flights up and running asap.

Looks like the kind of uber-hip hotel where everyone groans when they see a stroller rolling into the lobby. Luckily the industrial-chic searchlight makes it easy to spot the flecks of vomit we may have missed when desperately scrubbing the floor before checkout.

Feeling guilty about global warming? Member of the 0.1%? Now you can assuage your liberal guilt from the comfort of your very own ten million dollar eco-penthouse. There's even a balcony that's perfect for reading the New York Times on.

Dad, I think the rich people up there are using their hyper-mirror to deflect their unwanted afternoon heat on us.

The Spice Alley laneway development is Sydney's attempt to out-graffiti arch rival Melbourne. Strange times we live in when global cities are vying to see who can have the most graffiti.

An alley designed just for Instragram, right down to the hashtag-ready tuk tuk parked outside.

So it turns out we didn't need those typhoid vaccines to eat street Thai food after all.

Don't worry, my living window frame will suck up enough carbon to offset the Bathurst Edition Holden Commodore SSV I've got down in the garage.

Dad on duty so Mommy can go catch up with friends. Luckily he only lost his phone, not the baby.

Sydney moves straight to the top of the Global Playground Rankings with its stunning new Darling Harbor water park.

Come on son, look behind you, it's iconic. You can see a cruise ship anywhere.

I could get used to the cafe life Daddy. Did you say you and Mommy have a condo in walking distance to the University of Sydney?

Now that's just rubbing it in. Another park, another custom-designed playground, this one in the hip Surry Hills hood.

Rogue One and a Half.

Hot air balloons and water features weren't enough, you had to go and add an Indiana Jones swing bridge too! How's a kid supposed to go back to a rusty jungle gym in the shadow of the Projects? 

Daddy, I'm a marsupial!

If you'd like the full retro-chic experience I can extract a molar with a pair of skinny pliers.

Mommy, I'll have what's she's having.

It looked nice until the diapers got unpacked. Sigh.

Dr. Jones I presume? Thank goodness someone other than Shia LaBeouf is in the sidecar.

Cafe in a surf shop. I'll take a Great White with my flat white thanks.

Kids ask the darndest questions, for example: Daddy, why on earth don't you still live 10 minutes from Bondi Beach? You got me kiddo.

Pace yourself kid, there's still 23 hours and 55 minutes to go.

Bro Town Part 3: One Ring to Rule Them All

Actually two rings are generally required, unless like your author you left one behind on the honeymoon. Anyway, the big day dawns bright and sunny, which in of itself is a minor miracle in Auckland.

Another minor miracle will be making it to the wedding with the hair and makeup intact with three kids in tow. Actually throw in the gale off the Hauraki and we'll upgrade that to major miracle status.

Swotting up on the transmission mechanism of the Massey Ferguson like a good Kiwi Kid.

Someone find this dashing young gentleman a pair of gumboots and we're good to go.

Team USA gets ready to show those Kiwi Kids what life is like in shoes. You're on Lexington Avenue now folks.

Let me tell you kid, don't let the fact that we're sitting in a hot car in suits waiting for the kids to wake up put you off. It's not as miserable as it looks, you got this!

Putting the Bro back in Bro Town! What do you get when an energy trader, a game theorist, a computer scientist, and a stock jock walk into a bar. Four bright red dudes and a ten buck bar tab. Including tip and tax.

Daddy, I thought you said my first car was going to be a Corolla?

Ok I'll confess during the Orc phase things were looking a little dicey, but look at you now, you scrubbed up pretty good.

Prepping for his big speech. The arc of this dinner is long, but it bends towards ice cream.

Daddy, how come Uncle Rocky doesn't have skinny pants too? Uhm, someone has to be the fat twin?

Daddy, is she a princess?

As close as you can get these days son.

Definitely a Kiwi wedding.

No one told me this WOD squirms.

Daddy, why am I the only one in suspenders?

You and Gordon Gekko kid!

Lightbox! Definitely a Millennial wedding.

So, who can bench press more than their glasses weight? Yeah, didn't think so.

The phenomenal kid's tent idea is going to go viral this Upper East Side wedding season. When the Times features it on their high society wedding page just remember you saw it here first.

Yeah you're not going to see this in the Times though.

So much for the kid's tent being the rowdy spot.

Daddy, is that the Island of Sodor over there?

The custom ceramics just catapulted this to Wedding of the Year, who gives a toss about Windsor Castle.

Hey so remind me again, how did we end up at the kid's table? Uhm, because we fit right in?

I'm Ryan Lexington and I approve this cake.

They call that the Moonshine Valley Shuffle.

Better put your shoes on or face the wrath of Big Chief Rangi-Toe-Toe.

So BK, whaddya reckon, any oil under there?

Darn right there is, let me run get Daddy's hydraulic fracker.

Lucky man! Just like Uncle Casey.

So Uncle Dodge, what kind of lame Doctor doesn't carry band-aids. What am I supposed to do, wrap my boo boo in Econometrica?

Two? Come on, someone give me a real challenge, anyone got three more?

So here's the secret kid, nod and smile, nod and smile. And then do the dishes.

Don't make me let the dogs out kiddo!