Monday, February 25, 2019

Piper's First Flight

Piper Madison, welcome to the team. You'll be expected to know your Newark Terminals A, B and C before your ABCs and be potty trained on a lav at 35,000 feet, but trust us it will all be worth it.  Until your first ATC delay for flow control that is.

Yes if you choose SkyTeam Daddy will still love you, but you're on your own for upgrades. OneWorld on the other hand, that might be a deal breaker, then you're on your own for college too.

Once you can watch Paw Patrol at 35,000 feet even the 21 hour direct to Singapore is within range.

The first cadet for Trump's new Space Force. Making the Universe Great Again. Or if you lean the other way, the New Big Bang, putting the universal in universal basic income.

Uncle Jared pulling a double shift. Everything is bigger in Texas, even story time.

A hipster and his manny.

The J&R Taco Tour takes you deep into the barrio to experience the most authentic Mexican this side of The Wall.

No ICE officer, it's not what you think, these aren't the anchor babies you're looking for,

A morsel as plump as Piper is enough to get even the laziest Megatherium out of bed.

The Houston Natural History Museum has to be the only one in the world where the dinosaur floor isn't the best. Head to the energy floor to take a virtual reality ride under the lonely tumbleweeds of the Permian Basin to see where America's Energy Revolution began. Ok kids, you can either watch these awesome robots drill a horizontal well, or you can head over to that lame corner exhibit on the Green New Deal. Probably left over from AOCs science fair exhibit.

Drill, Baby, Drill.

Whoever emits the most tons of carbon in the next 30 seconds wins!

All these hydrocarbons are tiring. Time to refrack the wells with some classic Hill Country BBQ.

Because these days Pitmasters need cowboy boots and a hipster stash.

Vegetarians, close your browsers now.

Five stars for the Uber driver.

Wearing a helmet on a swing in Texas is only one level above taking a knee with Kaepernick.

My R2D2 IPA has all the bitter hoppiness of a prequel batch.

The boys are back in town! Or rather, the boys are back in the Uber after Jared's authentic Texan honky-tonk pick turns out to be a Vietnamese wedding party.

STEM class is in session. Today's potion is only marginally less lethal than Dad's mezcal shot last night.

Welcome to the Star Alliance Piper, I knew you'd choose wisely. I hate to break it to you, but those upgrade certificates I promised are next to useless these days.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Out East, One More Time

Daddy, no one does precision car seat clips like those Germans. 

The swish new Long Island Welcome Center clearly assumes you're going to turn right and head out East Hampton way. Son, if you want to get the most out of your legacy membership at the Southampton Yacht Club you'd better know your port from your starboard. Or rather, you'd better know your Port, especially that vintage tawny bin they're auctioning off at Sotheby's this weekend.

Daddy, I heard back home in New Zealand they make movies about kids who ride on whales? Yeah son, they also made two whole trilogies about short little people who whine a lot.

The Sound View Inn at the tip of Long Island's North Fork is the latest dilapidated motel to hip hangout conversion. Brooklyn-by-the-Sea is open for business, the only thing that isn't mid-century is the price tag. I guess that's where the modern in mid-century modern comes from.

Mommy, Connect Four is for babies, can we play Connect Pi?

You want that mid-century vibe? How about some legit 1950s Sports Illustrateds casually strewn across the Captain's Bar.

A rare whale sighting on the Long Island Sound.

So listen up kid, there's popsicles in that shack over there. And the only way you're getting one is under your own leg power. Get to kicking.

Turns out Phelps' secret weapon is a grape popsicle.

Forget the cabanas at Gurney's, the real finance bros are hanging on the other fork. Or in Ryan's case, loading up the other fork with another hot dog.

Yeah, you better hit those kettle bells after that burger.

I'm pretty sure in the mid-century era children were seen not heard.

Sunset on the fork can only mean one thing: s'mores before snores.

So I hear there's a popsicle over the horizon in Connecticut. Let's see what you got kiddo.

Why chase that troublesome white whale when your friendly local flower whale is spouting Greenport Harbor Summer Ale on tap.

Look what I harpooned Mommy.

Here's an opportunity to polish your resume for the Goldman Sach's intern class of 2033. I hear D-Sol expects his corn hole team to be the best on the Street.

Lesson one, what happens when you pull out the mezzanine tranche?

Uhm, the world teeters on the edge of Depression, storied institutions collapse in a puff of toxic CDO dust, millions lose the roof over their head, and I pocket a seven figure bonus. Lesson learned Dad, can we move on to the one about the boom boom room now?

A ride on a fire truck for a quarter? If this was the South Fork that wouldn't even get you, well, a fork. Not even a plastic one at Bostwick's.

Three rides and an ice cream for a buck? Did we stumble into a time warp or something? I mean where we come from even the tooth fairy doesn't carry anything smaller than a 20.

I thought you said hiking was hard Daddy? You know, blisters and bears on the trail and all that? I'm starting to think you may have embellished things just a little for your blog.

Is this one of those billionaire bunkers Daddy? Quiet son, don't say that with your Big Bay cap on, you'll give the secret away.

I know you want to be just like your old man, but that doesn't have to include maneuvering in the vicinity of parking garage pillars.

One of the few places on the East Coast you can watch the sun set over the ocean.

Daddy, is that a superyacht? Yeah, stand by to repel boarders kid, if they set foot on this fork you can forget about 25 cent firetruck rides.

Mommy, is baby sister coming out of a dinosaur egg?

Daddy, do I have a diaper tan line?