Monday, June 12, 2017

Another Leak from Inside the Beltway

Just remember son, if Daddy asks Mommy to leave the room and then says you can eat the doughnut, make sure you feel compelled to write a memo immediately thereafter.

Looks like the DC spin machine is in full swing again.

Baogate, a sordid scandal of misappropriated baos grips the Washington elite. One minute they were there, then they weren't. The trail of dribbled soy sauce could lead all the way up K Street, perhaps even to the Oval Office itself.

The Secret Service refuses to divulge the route the Baocade will take, but the leakers have struck again!

Hotel Hive is buzzing with a hip crowd that leans so far MSNBC that they're in the running for Jeremy Corbyn's shadow cabinet.

In the Meatpacking District, conservative means your little black dress is slightly larger than a cocktail napkin. Apparently around here it means something different.

The Watergate Hotel across the street looks like a throwback to, well, the 1970s. If you're going to commit scandalous acts like ordering a Bud Light instead of an organic Impeachable IPA you might as well do it somewhere hip.

Better raise the debt ceiling or you'll have starving alpacas going viral before you know it.

Careful son, the KGB was known to train sea lions as counter-submarine operatives.

That looks a bit like a mushroom cloud. We'll assume he's talking about some foraged farm-to-table fungi instead.

Luckily they got NORAD to help them build the 24/7 panda mission control. Nothing annoys a rival superpower like forgetting their panda's mid-morning bamboo snack.

If I'm the King of Beasts, why is there a crowd five deep trying to catch a glimpse of those stupid furry bamboo guzzlers?

Four score and seven years ago, I tweeted something that went viral.

At least you won't have to worry about waking him up for the proverbial 4am phone call. He'll already be up tweeting.

The swamp doesn't seem to be draining yet, anyone seen the Drano?

Le Diplomate's claim to fame is that more Meet the Press guests have been spotted here than any other DC establishment. It turns out it's Sunday today, and If It's Sunday, It's Meet the Press.

The National Aquarium in Baltimore boasts architecture that's almost as impressive as the specimens housed within. A zigzagging lattice of moving sidewalks carry visitors through a hanging collection of habitats all arranging around a central atrium that houses a massive reef.

When the fish is longer than you son you may want to throw it back in.

The rainforest exhibit offers a sneak preview of the eastern seaboard circa 2150. Or, for climate change deniers, a chance to test the waterproofing on the MAGA hat.

They swim upside down because they're Australian son.

Any specimens from Big Bay here Daddy? Why yes son, I believe I saw a garage out back where they store the janitorial gear.

Another harbor succumbs to gentrification. Forget Trump, even without him world trade will grind to a halt because all the shipping containers are being used for pop-up hipster markets.

Wednesday, June 07, 2017

Silicon Valley Part 2: Move Fast and Break Things

If Move Fast and Break Things is the official motto of Silicon Valley then Ryan has certainly come to the right place. Meanwhile, Rock's hopes of a million dollar United payday are dashed when instead of being dragged off the plane Ryan gets not one but two swag kits. Perhaps there's a Regional Premier Upgrade that will actually clear hidden behind the gummy bears?

Hey VCs, how would you like to get in early on the Series A round for my DinoSoar start up? You can rest assured your investment will be judiciously deployed: a bottomless keg, curated kale salads, extra nerf ammo, team-building capture the flag excursions, some blatant brogrammism.

Daddy can I come up? The boardroom has stroller parking right?

Wise man, get in quick before Dad eats it all.

A robot coding tech lab! This is where you start your career in self-driving cars son. Just remember, if you're modeling your algo off Daddy's driving, that parking garage pillar was a bug not a feature. 

Speaking of robots, here's one that makes a flat whites. Because nothing says I'm Changing the World like making sure you never have to say g'day to a human barista again.

You ate all your yogurt? Good boy, have a gold star!

Daddy I heard on the Google campus they have free trikes? 

Half Moon Bay is only half an hour out of San Francisco but it seems a world away from those brogrammers and their man buns.

Bit nippy on the beach Dad, are we in Big Bay?

Are you sure it was a sparrow Dad? I could have sworn it was a Great Western Red-Crested Frigate Bird.

What do you reckon son, looks like the perfect spot for a garage to me?

Monterey Bay Aquarium takes aquariums to a whole new level, literally in the case of the soaring three story kelp forest.

These do not pair with peanut butter son.

Yeah, you could have saved Mommy a lot of trouble by hatching instead.

They say the only way to learn is to roll up your sleeves.

Even aquariums have gone hipster: nothing attracts the Millennials like housing your aquarium in a reclaimed sardine cannery.

Look at this nifty water feature. Big Bay definitely needs one to stay competitive in the cutthroat global market for beachfront real estate.

Dad if we pull out of the Paris Accord do you think it will be warm enough to swim? 

Big Bay is already taken, let's call it Yuge Bay.

Dad I promise I'll never complain about the car seat again.

They don't grow trees like this out east son. They have to be really big out here because there's so many folks trying to hug them.