Sunday, October 12, 2014

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Chili Con Carnes

My dear fellow, can I interest you in a scotch? The Orvis Sandanona Shooting Club in upstate New York is about as old school as it gets. Think dark oak panels, plush leather armchairs, a roaring fire to ward off the encroaching autumn chill, and of course a bottle of 18-year old scotch nestled between rows and rows of polished shotguns.
 
 
They let women in? My how progressive old chap, we must be in a blue state. 
 
 
According to Dick Cheney you should be pointing the gun the other way.
 
 
After a brisk morning shoot it's time to retire back to the lodge for the post-mortem. Not quite literally, despite Mei's best efforts to completely ignore the where-not-to-point-a-gun safety briefing.
 
 
 
The biggest shock of the day is that CounterStrike skills don't seem to translate into shooting a clay disc out of the air. Apparently computer games really do lead to a wasted youth.
 
 
 
"It's not impossible. I used to bullseye pukeho in my gumboots back home, they're not much bigger than two meters." - Reuben Paddockwalker.
 


 
Fortunately the chili con carne comes pre-hunted, otherwise the iceberg lettuce would have Rock's name all over it.
 
 
 
There's nothing more patriotic than using a double-barreled shotgun to blow a Made in China clay disc out of the sky.
 
 
All this blowing stuff up is thirsty work. Luckily the Millbrook Vineyard is just up the valley.
 
 
 
The old barn from the dairy farm that originally occupied the property now churns out beverages with a little more potency than 2% milk.
 

In an interesting piece of trivia, the owner of the winery is the dude who came up with the now legendary logo that defines a city. Somehow I don't think their Pinot will ever reach quite such lofty heights.



Saddle up folks, next stop the spooky village of Sleepy Hollow. Did anyone check if the Zipcar insurance covers supernatural incidents?



The Headless Horseman Bridge. Since everyone other than Cheney's hunting buddy managed to escape the morning's activities with their heads intact, here's a second chance to part ways.

 

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Pacific Northwest Part 3: Third and Loud Presented by the Home Depot

What's bright orange, comes out every autumn, and can be carved into any number of whimsical characters?
 

College Game Day of course! Just like they have every autumn Saturday since 1993, the Game Day boys are ready to dissect the day's big match ups with their classic blend of wit, insight, and All-American good looks. Give me an O Herbie! Or so shriek the co-eds in the student section.


If this rather flimsy contraption is built by the Home Depot, you really don't want to stand under the one built by Mitre 10.


Remarkable. Even after kitting out the football team in a different shade of garish neon green for every game there was a bit of spare change left in the endowment fund for an art museum. You're telling me there's more to this whole culture thing than a beer bong suspended from the second floor window of the Delta Omega holy-Kappa-I'm-smashed frat house?
 

Home Depot is a great place to buy light bulbs to replace those burnt out ones in the living room, mounting brackets for those new shelves the wife wants, and some disposable bags for the lawnmower.  You know, all those useful things you won't be touching today because you're spread out on your couch with a Bud Light and a bag of Doritos.


She doesn't know the difference between a first down and a first runner up, but will someone give her more airtime already!
 

Downtown Eugene very quickly hammers home the difference between a hipster and a hippie. One calls vintage threads a fashion statement, the other calls them clothes.



Incoming Duckmobile! Up until today Rock's favorite duck came wrapped in a rice pancake with hoisin sauce and scallions. Now his favorite duck comes wrapped in, well, not very much of anything.



How can you tell you're in the tech-happy Pacific Northwest? Because the beer hall has a big array of LED TVs that give you real-time updates on which rotating craft beers are on tap and how much is left in each keg. How many International Bitterness Units for getting to the front of the line right as the Inversion IPA flashes from yellow to red?



In most Game Day towns you kick off the big day with a fried chicken thigh slapped between two buttery biscuits slathered in gravy. Not so in uber-fit Oregon where life is run, peddled, or paddled with a West Coast-style offense.



Bro Town USA.


Rock audibles a variation on the classic Bait and Switch play at the line of scrimmage. The opposing D-line leaps into action expecting a rollicking yarn at TwoPhatKiwis, only to find themselves faced instead with the insipid filler content and click-bait headlines of the J00ster Journal.



No, this is not another Gamma Phi Epsilon beer delivery system. That's because those annoying engineers from Beta Omega Kappa got their keg here first. But hey, either way those insufferable jocks from Alpha Male Zeta won't be able to use it to pump up their sorority dates' implants.



Yep, you guessed it, the business school. You can tell by the suitably corporate glass foyer and the fact that even a lowly freshman is Vice President of Beer Pong.


When you burn the dorm down at 4am trying to vaporize some of Oregon's finest, uhm, hydroponic produce, don't forget to yell Go Ducks as the firemen hook up their hoses.



If you're going to tailgate in America you have to do it right. There's a whole playbook devoted to luring sorority girls down to the grill. If you can get them to third down you're in with a shot.



Autzen Stadium, reputably the loudest stadium in all of college football.



In the final hour before kickoff the team walks through the game plan one more time. Remember boys, when we say West Coast offence we're not talking about the Greymouth Old Boys footy club.



I thought we were going no-huddle boys? What's with all these X's and O's?



Even stadium grub comes out of a food truck. Or is this a front for an SEC infiltrator? Looks suspiciously like a Razorback.



Could that be a Nike logo reflected in the window? Hard to tell from here.



Take that SEC, you may have bragging rights when it comes to national titles, but we have a waterfall in our stadium. You hear that, we've got a waterfall! And a salmon ladder! How do your salmon make it back up river at spawning time? That's what I thought. Smack down!



Just in case you're confused as to which team is the Ducks, they're the ones who glow in the dark.
 


This is what it's all about! Sixty thousand old people wishing they were still in college and five thousand students wishing they didn't have two years still to go. At any rate, it's pretty darn loud.



The first half is tight, but then the Ducks kick it up a gear in the second and deliver a downright beating on Michigan State. The last time the ducks were so dominant was at the Palmy duck pond when Rock nearly lost a finger in addition to a French fry.



Let's get the duck outta here, which way to the ducking after party? Duck yeah!




You mean there's life after football here? In the SEC you take a month's supply of toilet paper and throw it up a tree. In the PAC-12 you unwind after a game with an organic, micro-batch sake tasting. But don't worry, when you SEC folks need to restock the toilet paper we've got a same-day shipping deal going on Amazon right now.





Last stop on the Oregon Trail, the lofty Multnomah Falls. Didn't we already see one of these splashing down between sections 137 and 138 at Autzen Stadium?