Cactus Christmas Part 4: That's No Moon...

That's no moon... It's a Houston house. It's too big to be a house. I have a very good feeling about this.

Hello big person. Why is everything so big here?

How did parents actually deliver Christmas before Amazon did? No wonder they call us the softest generation.

Is that a island kitchen or the U.S.S. Sam Houston moored in your living room?

Any more excitement and we're in a Paw Patrol episode.

So Ryan, three taps like this is a fast ball, two quick and then one slower is a curveball, and banging the heck out of the thing is what you do at the ticker tape parade.

All this #outdooring is hard work, didn't anyone get a Switch in their stocking?

Aren't pool boys supposed to have a six-pack somewhere other than the fridge?

When I grow up I want to be just like you. I want my house to grow up just like yours too.

Let me tell you Pip, they look cute on blogs and all but there's no rush.

Here we go, the telltale signs of gentrification. Warehouse-style craft brewery with cornhole out the front.

But what's this, a new spin on the classic hipster brew hall.

The Rise of Skywalker. Turns out they're all related or something.

Dad what's a bayou? Ask your uncle, I'm sure he'll find a way to avoid calling it a stagnant, mosquito-infested creek. You know, like how Galveston is a beach and the Astros are World Champions.

It's getting hot and sticky out here, lucky I wore my underwear on the outside.

Look at those left coast liberals, wearing a helmet on a seesaw.

So BK, do your old people drive you to the point of exhaustion just so they can write about it on the internet?

So Aunt Rachael, which of the four ovens did you bake this one in?

So, which will come first, 2020 or the kids actually falling asleep?

Thanks for the hospitality Team Houston. Just remember, if you're going to steal signs, make it Rochester Street, Palmerston North.

Oh look, he's up 24-0 but he seems to have become a bit bogged down.

Does the Dark Side have stroopwafels?

Cactus Christmas Part 3: Let in Snow, Let it Snow, Let it... Actually Screw That

Cactus Christmas Eve! Keep those reindeer away from the needles please.

Never should have doubted the jolly fat guy, he always gets it done. A little sand was never going to stop him. Plus, these reindeer need to get used to a post-snow world.

Lucky those elves have an alternative assembly line up north, what with the Trade War and all.

The Ace Hotel, Palm Springs. Peak hipster in the mid-century modern capital of the world.

"So let's think through this one more time. Christmas is over and I already got all my presents, including Optimus Prime. So Santa isn't watching any more. So why do I still need to be good?"

It can't be global warming Dad, every second car here is a Tesla.

That white-bearded Boomer just circumnavigated the world in under 24 hours and the borderline Millennial is out by 11am. Typical.

Mommy, how come our pool has a big green cover on it and this one is open?

Daddy, how come this pool has margarita service?

It's an airplane Piper. Better get used to it, Mommy and Daddy put us on lots of them.

Santa, you outdid yourself with that Optimus Prime.

Food's arriving!

The Children's Discovery Museum of the Desert. Nothing like a pretentious title to open those benefactors' wallets. You know what Pip, this lever exhibit would be a bit easier if you hadn't done that second breakfast burrito.

Learning valuable life lessons. Like how little a hundred bucks buys you at Whole Foods.

Mommy, this miso soup is exceptional. Why do I have to eat mac and cheese out of a cardboard box again?

Yes, in hindsight a chic communal table isn't highchair friendly.

Yes kids, it's called the great outdoors. No, there is no Paw Patrol at the end. Just a good old fashioned sense of satisfaction and some fresh air in lungs.

See, I told you it would be better than Saturday morning cartoons.

Yoga with a view. Does Lululemon make baby leggings?

Daddy, you did say we need to get outside and stretch our legs.

If you're going to pay exoribnant state taxes, maybe pick somewhere warm?

Saddle up team, the next Del Taco is 300 miles up the road.

The Big Zachary, swapping hipster Williamsburg for hipster Santa Monica.

Who was that who said there was no Paw Patrol at the end? He should run for President or something.

You can take the chef out of Williamsburg but you can't take the Williamsburg out of the chef.

A quick pitstop on the way to the airport to introduce the Pip to Great Grandma.

The big boys are coming in today.

Ahem, and then there's United.