Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Turkeymenistan

Thanksgiving and football go together like turkey and stuffing. Or like Eli Manning and interceptions. With the mercury plunging faster than the Giant's playoff hopes and the bitter New Jersey wind cutting right to the bone, it's time to bundle up for some real football.
 

The euphemistically-named Meadowlands is really just a parking lot in the middle of a particularly desolate stretch of post-industrial wasteland between the ice floes on the Hudson River and the murder capital of America, downtown Newark. No wonder they'll brand Super Bowl XVLIII as New York's game.


Still, it's conditions like these that separate the real fans from those who'd rather watch the game curled up on a comfy couch in front of a big HDTV. In case you haven't guessed, here are some of the latter.


Despite the subprime location, the stadium itself is a magnificent temple to pro sports. Provided it's not a Jet's home week of course. Then it's just a temple to the kind of big bravado that even a gastric bypass can't short circuit.


There's only one way to keep from freezing out here: raise the blood alcohol level.



How many interceptions do you think Eli will throw in the time it takes to empty a funnel? Vegas says 2.5 plus a sack thrown in for good measure.


If you can find a helmet that fits you're pretty much guaranteed the starting QB job on the Jets. Apparently all the credentials you need these days is the ability to run around your blockers instead of straight up their butts.


So the funnels seemed like a good idea at the time. Yeah, and so did starting Geno Smith.



Roll forward (not Roll Tide, as we'd stunningly find out in due course) one weekend and it's time to head upstate for the real turkey day. Nothing piques the appetite like the a fresh blanket of snow.


The calm before the Master Chefs arrive. A lowly dishwasher gets a moment to dream of greater things before slinking back to his station adjacent to the sink, sponge in hand.


The good news is we're not going anywhere any time soon. The even better news is the fridge is fully stocked with booze and the turkey is in the oven.



Not exactly Little House in the Woods. Nothing like incongruous Georgian columns to announce that the insufferable Manhattanites have invaded upstate NY for another long weekend.


What do you think this is, Central Park? Stop posing and start chopping firewood.



Nature at her finest. Don't know why Robert Falcon Scott had such a hard time of it, this snow stuff is positively delightful.


Just a small side dish in case 16 pounds of Wholefood's Finest doesn't do the trick.


It probably weighs more than both of you combined. Well, before lunch anyway.


Here at J00ster let us take the opportunity to be thankful for the incredible opportunity to travel to far flung lands with good friends and great food.


With the calorie count of the gravy alone exceeding the FDA's Recommended Daily Intake, it's time to earn that leftover turkey sandwich.



The east coast may not have the grandeur of the mighty peaks out west, but in winter even the gently rolling hills of the Catskills are transformed into a winter wonderland.



Ok, we've seen the falls, can we go back and eat?



Turns out those aren't the falls you're looking for. Although as appetizers go they come in second only to the truffle mac and cheese that so ably kicked off the feast.


It doesn't get any better than this. Until you open the fridge and see there's still half a ham left.



Turns out the mile of slipping and sliding over the icy rock trail is well worth it. A half frozen waterfall plunges into the crisp air from the hanging valley above. It's actually New York's highest waterfall, although it should lose that record temporarily since most of it's ice right now. New York's highest icicle will do.



There's an inviting swimming hole at the bottom, provided you can find a way to crack the ice. Actually, that's easy: just send post-turkey Rock out there and you'll be swimming in the South China Sea in no time.



Who's up for an artisanal handmade donut and organic hot chocolate? Someone definitely knew those pesky Manhattan folk were coming through today; it's hard to the locals stepping outside their Dunkin Donuts comfort zone unless it's a quick detour to the Walmart gun aisle.



Like all good ski towns, the quaint village of Hunter has everything one needs to unwind after a day on the slopes. Which is to say it has a bar.


The loser takes a shot of Veuve Clicquot. Suddenly the competitive spirit seems to be flagging. Come on ladies, this isn't the NBA, no tanking!


Just to mix things up a bit, who's up for some Korean dumplings and turkey ramen? Who said the Pilgrims didn't survive on kimchi?



Another day of eating calls for another hike. The deeper the snow the better that hot coffee will taste at the end.


Ice fishing. It's boring just like normal fishing, except you also freeze while you do it. Sounds like fun right? Then again, this is coming from the guys who thought it was a good idea to stand in a sub-zero parking lot for three hours drinking beer through hoses attached to a funnel.



Maybe two days ago the ice would have held you...



Grab one in case of a black bear attack. It will be like CSI, the weapon will melt and the rangers will never know did it.



Who would have thought it's possible to have a view without building a giant skyscraper to stand on and charging tourists 25 bucks a pop? This whole nature thing is quite remarkable.



If you look really hard, you can probably see the Rockefeller Center tree. Actually no, it turns out it's just one of those you know, like, real trees that you sometimes see in Central Park. False alarm.



Rock is always posing on precarious ledges for the cameras.


That's what cabin fever does to you.