But heck, you didn't come to J00ster to philosophize on the intrinsic contradictions of the American psyche. You came here for crass humor and cringe-worthy one liners that take up way more than one line. You came here for hot dogs and coke. You came here to be entertained!
So let's get this party started. Which way to the attractions?
Better jump now, because once you pass through the gates of hot dog heaven you're not going to be heading skywards any time soon. Unless it's strapped to the Incredible Hulk coaster or the Rip Ride Rockit.
Usually you see this logo flash across the screen when another mediocre Hollywood blockbuster is about to chew up two hours of your life. Here you see it when another mediocre J00ster post is about to chew up a mercifully short two minutes of your life. If you last that long - there's no popcorn here.
It's always a bad sign when there's a line just to get into the place where you can stand in line.
Want to experience a tornado without heading for the Kansas prairies or visiting Mei's room when Rock isn't around to clean it? Then step right up... into this enormous line.
If you look really hard, you can see a cardboard cutout of Citigroup Center in the background. It looks surprisingly real, must be the artist's cunning use of exaggerated perspective to disguise the total lack of anything tangible behind it to prop it up.
An elegant cab, from a more civilized age. You won't catch this sleek beast doing the 5am LaGuardia run. Unfortunately until Mei upgrades to NetJets, the same can't be said for her.
What's the difference between a stock broker and a pawn broker? At least with a pawn broker you have a slim shot at getting your assets back.
42nd Street? Hey it's not a bad likeness, both are overrun by tourists who wouldn't know the difference between an Olive Garden and a Momofuku. Uhm, one serves olives and the other is an Asian swear word? No? Oh well, which way to Applebees?
The only town hall in Florida that isn't bankrupt. It's hard to go bankrupt selling 10 buck hot dogs to all these insatiable visitors from the Midwest.
D'oh!
Here's a chance to check out Fisherman's wharf. Without the airpoints. Or the clam chowder.
Pretty much sums up this post. Also sums up the ride, which was a bit underwhelming. Unfortunately the line to get it was anything but.
Nothing like a bucket of fried chicken to stabilize the stomach before strapping into The Mummy coaster.
One could easily get fat here. Let's rephrase: one could easily get fatter here - it seems just about everyone who comes here is already one Twinkie away from starring in Biggest Loser.
The Coke Refresher Station (tm). Turns out all it does is blast out a bit of mist to cool you down. Rock was expecting a free coke. Which in hindsight was somewhat foolish, after all this is the place where they even charge you for the little neckband that holds your express pass. Five bucks for a piece of string? No wonder everyone here is getting foreclosed.
Ah, maybe this is the free coke dispenser over here? Uhm, no.
Krustyland, a new high tech Simpson's ride. So real you can almost taste the Duffs on tap in Moe's.
Does anyone else think the wing area to weight ratio might be a little off here? Must be some more fine handiwork from the 787 engineers.
This is a family blog, so let's call this riding the roller coaster and leave it at that. Move along folks.
Where's Jurassic Park fanfare when you need it?
The lights of CityWalk, the mecca of restaurants and bars at the entrance to the park. A place for adults to stagger to after 8 hours of dragging overloaded strollers from one garishly colored stroller parking lot to another. After 8 hours of standing in lines with Mei, Rock is leading the way.
Another day, another park. Today is Universal's Islands of Adventure theme park, better known for the 3 hour lin... I mean the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Yeah, easy to open your eyes when you're a foot off the ground. Try that when you're starting the vertical plunge of the Incredible Hulk coaster.
Fortunately there's a convenient wheelchair available for when Mei breaks something in her quest to harness her inner superhero.
With great power comes great responsibility. Yeah, yeah, just tell me how to get my claws out.
Doom. Fall. Fear. Remind me again where the fun part of this ride comes in?
Rock channels his inner Spiderman. Fortunately said channeling does not require lycra.
Look babe, you know I'm always in your corner, but just this once I think I've got to put my money on the bloke on the right.
Here come the heroes! Clearly fighting villains and saving heroines in wet t-shirts is no longer as lucrative as the autograph circuit.
Uhm, I don't mean to be rude, but if you were the real Spiderman wouldn't you be swinging gracefully between the buildings instead of perching precariously on an ATV like it's a Chinese toilet?
Don't even think about diluting my high fructose corn syrup!
Toon Lagoon is clearly the only place where climbing cacti can end happily.
How about less posing, more rides. Or at least another box of chicken nuggets.
That's the Incredible Hulk coaster in the background. Oh, and you might as well check out that anti-hulk in the foreground while you're at it.
After barely surviving the Hulk, Rock longingly eyes up the Cat in the Hat ride across the lake in Seuss Landing.
They all smile at first. Then they see the T-rex.
See what I mean, pretty scary yeah? Look at those claws! Quick, someone distract him with the leftover chicken nuggets.
It could be worse. At least you get to be eaten in the original Jurassic Park to the epic strains of John Williams, instead of in that abomination of a third installment.
Finally, the ultimate goal is in sight - the towering pinnacles of Hogwarts rise majestically above... a truly gigantic line.
It's so real it's just like in the books. There's an oxymoron in there if you look hard enough. Or maybe just a moron behind the keyboard.
This pretty white fake snow sure beats the murky black slush back in NYC.
Hah, finally one part of the park that Coca Cola has yet to infiltrate. Out here in Hogwarts its Pumpkin Juice or Butterbeer.
Dude, whaddya mean you don't know the difference between Hogwarts and Hogsmeade? Any one of those kids dashing around with their officially licensed Harry wands could tell you that. You know, just like how 20 years ago you could tell anyone the difference between a stormtrooper and a snowtrooper, right down to whether they are Coruscant or Outer Rim trained, without missing a beat (20 years ago? Try 5. - ed.)
What's the spell for making a humongous crowd disappear?
Perhaps if Rock purchases one of these magic self-writing quills you will no longer need to wade through this drivel every time he travels somewhere.
One can probably guess from the absence of a line that this is not a Butterbeer dispenser. One obviously does not include Rock.
Apparently they sell candy in here. We didn't find out because the wait was an hour. That's right, people wait an hour just to go into a shop. Which can't bode well for the actual rides.
No matter how long the wait, it's hard not to have a silly grin on your face when you're in the middle of Hogswarts... correction, Hogsmeade. Unless you're Mei, in which case silly grins go with the territory.
Clearly a Muggle. Why else would you stand in front of a train? Uhm, maybe because you've had just about all the J00ster you can take for one day?
Time for a brief break to give the lines time to peter out as the kiddies start to tire. Of course, that's assuming Rock can outlast them.
The Cat never looked this good in the Hat.
Back at Hogswarts... err Hogsmeade. Rock's theory of exponentially decaying lines is proving about as valid as his "I'll never sell out" postulate in the first year physics lab.
Arbitrage pricing theory suggests the line will be equally long regardless of which way we go.
If Rock had actually read the books, he'd probably be able to come up with a witty joke about owls that demonstrated his all encompassing command of the Potter cannon.
Finally a beer that doesn't make Rock go red. What does that say about the alcohol content of Butterbeer?
Mei uses a cunning new spell to turn an owl into a tourist attraction.
No rush to take photos folks, you've got plenty more time while we stand here waiting for the line to move. In fact you might also get the sunset and night shot while you're at it...
Finally, into the gloom of Hogswarts. What beastly terrors lie beyond these ancien... uhm 6 month old walls.
How would they have done these awesome moving paintings in the days before LCD screens were a dime a dozen. Oh that's right, magic. How silly of me, I nearly forgot.
The library. This is where geeks hung out before they could sit at home and write blogs.
Is that the great Dumbledore himself? Remind me again, was he Republican or Democrat?
They even have that talking hat guy. The wait isn't so bad when every corner of the castle has been lovingly created down to the last quaffle.
Night falls over the turrets of Hogwarts. This is where Rock begins to rue his decision to bring the more ride-friendly point and shoot instead of the SLR. This is where others begin to rue his lack of photographical skill (begin? - ed.)
Is that moon real or fake? The boundary between reality and fantasy begins to blur as the sun goes down. You can almost hear the whisper of a spell on the gentle breeze. Hear it? Listen very carefully. "You... will... spend... more... money..."
It looks so cozy, the only thing missing is the miserable NY winter.
Who's ready to make a raid on the Butterbeer keg under the cover of darkness?
Finally Rock's crowd prediction model is starting to validate itself. Unfortunately it's only started to work because the park is closing.
This lucky kid was selected from all the others for the immense honor of having the opportunity to purchase a 40 dollar wand hand-selected for him by some old geezer. Talk about winning the lottery.
You can't buy lighting like that. Actually you can, if you're Universal, which is why this photo looks so cool.
Two minutes to closing, and there's still a line to the Butterbeer cart in the background.
Time to head back to the real world. If you can call this the real world. There seems to be too many comic books and not enough foreclosures.
It's personal for big Rex and his band of foul-mouthed but hard hitting Jets. Take down Manning. Check. Take down Brady. Check. Take down that video on YouTube. Uh oh.
Oh wait, there is actually a city here other than Hogsmeade. And you know what, it's actually surprisingly nice.
Wedded bliss. Just not when you're 45 minutes into a two hour line.
Uhm, to achieve the look I think you're going for, you should probably not select a pink umbrella next time.
Rock demonstrates why EPSN would rather film Major League Tiddlywinks than roll out the cameras for him.
Take back all the bad things you said about Florida, this city ain't too bad. There's actually more cafes and winebars than zimmer frames.
Remarkably, made it to the end of a blog primarily about standing in line without using the word queue once. Guess I'll get to keep that Yankee passport after all.
