The Heidelberg Uncertainty Principle

All aboard the Deutsche Bahn. What a difference an 'h' makes. Instead of a woefully undercapitalized pile of bad debts, laundered Rubles, and subpoenaed Trump loans you get that fabled German efficiency humming along at 200 mph.

Sorry kids, the Metro North is never going to be the same again.

The quaint university town of Heidelberg. Now listen up son, don't judge a school by the 500 year old philosopher-dude statue on the bridge. A former two-lane bridge with clip-on extensions to make it four lanes will get you where you need to go in life. Like Downtown Cinema 8 for example.

So Daddy is it true you studied in Science Tower B? Yeah kid, that was after Advanced Quantum Mechanics. But in my defense the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle posits that the very act of grading my paper could have altered its state to Tower A material.

Yeah, yeah, this campus has a castle and all. But you know what was on the hill above mine? An old Victorian hostel. And that's where Mommy lived. You don't always need a castle to find a princess son. But you almost certainly need a used Corolla.

This must be one of those fake castles to impress the Duchess across the river. There's no way this would survive the White Walkers. Actually, it would, because these days everyone survives for their spinoff series.

A major in court jestership? Not another darn liberal arts college!

Mommy, I've narrowed down my choices to Cook Street Takeaway for my safety and Fishtown for my reach.

The good news is you've already scraped the bottom of the barrel, so Massey will feel like home.

Heidelberger, you got nothing on Tuiberger. That's where you grab a kilo of mince from Pak 'n Save and chuck it on the grill with a dash of Mangatainoka's finest.

In Germany all kids on the ICE Intercity Express get a free model train. In American all kids on the train get shaken down by ICE.

A day time flight? In the annals of bad ideas that seems right up there with you know, dragging two kids on a two week work trip.

Let's bembel! Probably German for close your browsers.

Paw Patrol and orange juice on demand, darn right, that's where Massey will take you kid!

Euroskeptic Conversion Therapy

Welcome to Brexit week. Theresa if you're reading this keep scrolling past the dreary London section to the bit about Majorca. You'll know you're there when you see the sun and the sand and the one Euro vino. It's not too late you know.

The Shard was the tallest building in Western Europe. Now it's the tallest building in a medium-sized, nondescript island nation.

The Sky Garden, a tower that doesn't cost you your head. Just an arm and a leg, if you choose to dine with a view.

Daddy, what's a princess? Uhm, someone who studies STEM and leans in. And uses her stock options to pay off her student loans.

Looks like a door worth opening.

The Gatwick Express? Easyjet? Daddy, I think my seat is broken, it's not turning into a bed. And when I asked for my orange juice they asked me for two quid. What's up with that?

Time for some archeology in the ancient city of Palma, capital of the Mediterranean island of Majorca.

Daddy, I like these European cribs.

If you Brexit you'll miss out on colored antlers, among other things.

Is this an actual store or just an Instagram prop?

Daddy, is this a hashtag? It will be son, just as soon as this blog starts trending.

How do you say dong po rou in Spanish? Who cares, dig in ladies.

Hey Daddy, is this what they call a continental breakfast?

And this is what we call an American breakfast, pass the bacon Mommy.

Mommy, are those oranges? How come Whole Foods is outside in Spain?

One Euro for a stick of homemade candy longer than your arm? Theresa, that's your cue.

The mountain village of Valldemossa hasn't changed much over the centuries. Much like this blog.

Hey Mommy, can I have a Vespa for my fourth birthday?

One more view like that and even Rees-Mogg will waver.

So Daddy, which bit of this picture are they voting against? The sun-dappled cafes? The free-flowing cerveza? The señoritas in the plaza over there?

Daddy, our Uber is arriving. Five stars for the crate of oranges in the back.

This must be where the social media influencers live.

I knew I was getting a Vespa!

They don't make towns like they used to.

Six cities in five days? That's a vacation compared to one city with two kids.

Goba Cola, apparently the local cola of Switzerland. You know, because the IRS drinks Coca Cola.

Look at that luscious tax evasion.

When in Belgium...

It's ok England, you'll always have Thomas the Tank Engine.

Frankfurt, the personality of Angela Merkel crossed with the nightlife of Palmerston North. So yeah, the Manawatu of Europe.