Friday, July 20, 2018

Out East, Again

So this is the first generation who will grow up wanting to be from Jakku not Tatooine? I guess I can accept that kid, as long as it's not Naboo.


Yes, he's your cousin Brooklyn. Because that's how it works in Star Wars, everyone with a lightsaber is basically related. The only difference is on Houstooine you're allowed to open carry it.


Daddy, you forgot to pack my Gucci driving shoes, you know the ones with the handcrafted soles carefully molded to fit a trike pedal.


What's this baby doing Out East without a retinue of weekend nannies, sleep consultants, Ivy-catchment extracurricular advisors, wardrobe managers, and social media curators?


Daddy, I'm telling you these pebbles are just like any other pebbles. Yeah kid, that's what I keep telling them about Massey when they ask which Ivy I played lacrosse for.



Left hand? I'm assuming they don't mean the benevolent left hand of Uncle Bernie, handing you your monthly Basic Income check so you can plonk back down in front of Netflix? This is the Hamptons folks, the only left wing out here is, well, the left wing of your Gulfstream G650.



Let me get this straight Uncle Jared, when you said you prefer hand ground you didn't actually mean your hands did you? Surely you meant ground by your personal coffee concierge, the one who flew up with you this morning on the company jet?



So kid, this thing over here is called the driver's seat. Back in the olden days when your Daddy and I were growing up, someone used to have to sit over here and turn the wheel and push some pedals and stuff.


Big Bay? Is that like your fraternity or something bro? And did you miss the Snapchat about pastel shorts only?


The Montauk Brewing Co. It's craft in the same way the bespoke, hand-stitched leather seats on a Lamborgini are craft.



If the Blade flies over we'll pretend it's a hipster airstream.




You're from Mos Eisely Daddy? You must be ancient or something, like, you know, from the Clone Wars? Niima Outpost is where all the cool kids scavenge these days.



Please hide your monster truck son, this isn't the Jersey Shore.



Ryan, stop! You forgot your East Hampton beach pass, the citizens' committee will revoke your Met Gala invite!




Please don't eat like that at the Eleven Madison Park Summer House pop-up.



Montauk Summer Ale, infused with just enough hoppy bitterness to remind you that no, you can't afford a house out here.


Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Quitaly Part 5: Where's Clooney?

The hunt for the limited edition purple gelato is underway! Code name Operation Big Bay.



The Italian Job was always a bit of an oxymoron. More like two hour Milano power lunch followed by siesta time.



Stocking up on totally impractical #myfirstinstagram gear for Baby J00ster. She needs to look her best for the 14 blog posts she'll feature in before her first birthday.



The celebrity baby whispers dodge the paparazzi on international assignment. Milano is the kind of place Ryan pulls out his middle name. It fits right in on the guest list for Clooney's garden soirée.



Grandma, did you see any hokey pokey gelato?


I'm going to hazard a guess that all that minimalist use of negative space isn't for stroller parking.



Grandma, Italian kids stay up late and get a Vespa for their 14th birthday.


How do you say Hamptons in Italian? Why Lake Como of course. All aboard the Clooney Express.


Forget Clooney's lakefront mansion, it's got nothing on this sweet converted carriage house. Why this room is so big in Manhattan it would have a 57th and 58th street address!


Look hard enough and you can see the future son. Oh my goodness you're right Daddy, it told me I'm going to have three gelatos today!


Looks like the kind of luggage you put on a steamship and pick up three months later in some exotic locale. So basically the same process as checking a bag with United.



Nothing says hip like a vintage letterbox and typewriter. The latter is pretty much the same experience that readers of this blog get to enjoy, you know, handcrafted wit thoughtfully curated one carriage return at a time.



Daddy, I'm getting into this whole analog thing, no Google Maps for me. Although I do notice this piece of parchment doesn't play Paw Patrol on demand, which is like, you know, lame.


They said Lake Como was a celebrity magnet. Here's proof.


That's the kind of understated sophistication that got you a coveted invite to Amal's lakeside luncheon.


Are you sure we're headed the right way? I don't recall Amal mentioning any public transport options for arrival?



Look Grandma, a Unesco World Heritage-listed gelato. Come on, it's history, it's like, educational.



From this Kid Free Lookout you can gaze down upon a life unobstructed by Lego wastelands and derailed Thomas trains.



Mommy, these Europeans really do know how to start their day. Well son, I reckon they know how to finish their day too, with a bottle or two of wine and a cheese plate. And now that you mention it that middle stretch where they knock back an espresso and take a two hour nap is pretty darn good too.


The fast boat to Bellagio, and we're not talking the one with the big fountain and all you can eat buffet.




Daddy, where's the neon water fountain and Pavarotti soundtrack?



All European countries are kid friendly, but Italy might just go to number one. Where else would you set aside a plot of prime lakeside real estate for a playground? Why in NY they'd build a 40 story condo and if you're lucky maybe cram a playroom in the basement.


Daddy, what's my hashtag? #spoiled?



The only way to travel, in a private boat that looks suspiciously like the one Indiana Jones chopped to pieces in the propeller of a cargo ship off Venice.



Arrivederci losers!



Sorry folks, off my boat, I've got famous people to pick up now.



Daddy, I think I see the Go Dogs, Go tree! Can we climb up to the Dog Party?



Hmm, looks like we'll be taking the slow ferry home.



Someone spent an inordinate about of time sculpting these trees. That's the kind of quality of life enhancements Mrs. Merkel's productivity stats will never capture.



Mommy, are you trying to weasel your way into some photographic evidence that you actually carry me?



Daddy, why are there other people on this boat? Where did it all go wrong?


Another lakeside playground? This is indeed a country with its priorities straight.


Ciao Italy, glad you rolled out a double-decker, you're going to need it airlift out a week worth of gelato eating.




Mile high babysitting club.