Out East, Again

So this is the first generation who will grow up wanting to be from Jakku not Tatooine? I guess I can accept that kid, as long as it's not Naboo.

Yes, he's your cousin Brooklyn. Because that's how it works in Star Wars, everyone with a lightsaber is basically related. The only difference is on Houstooine you're allowed to open carry it.

Daddy, you forgot to pack my Gucci driving shoes, you know the ones with the handcrafted soles carefully molded to fit a trike pedal.

What's this baby doing Out East without a retinue of weekend nannies, sleep consultants, Ivy-catchment extracurricular advisors, wardrobe managers, and social media curators?

Daddy, I'm telling you these pebbles are just like any other pebbles. Yeah kid, that's what I keep telling them about Massey when they ask which Ivy I played lacrosse for.

Left hand? I'm assuming they don't mean the benevolent left hand of Uncle Bernie, handing you your monthly Basic Income check so you can plonk back down in front of Netflix? This is the Hamptons folks, the only left wing out here is, well, the left wing of your Gulfstream G650.

Let me get this straight Uncle Jared, when you said you prefer hand ground you didn't actually mean your hands did you? Surely you meant ground by your personal coffee concierge, the one who flew up with you this morning on the company jet?

So kid, this thing over here is called the driver's seat. Back in the olden days when your Daddy and I were growing up, someone used to have to sit over here and turn the wheel and push some pedals and stuff.

Big Bay? Is that like your fraternity or something bro? And did you miss the Snapchat about pastel shorts only?

The Montauk Brewing Co. It's craft in the same way the bespoke, hand-stitched leather seats on a Lamborgini are craft.

If the Blade flies over we'll pretend it's a hipster airstream.

You're from Mos Eisely Daddy? You must be ancient or something, like, you know, from the Clone Wars? Niima Outpost is where all the cool kids scavenge these days.

Please hide your monster truck son, this isn't the Jersey Shore.

Ryan, stop! You forgot your East Hampton beach pass, the citizens' committee will revoke your Met Gala invite!

Please don't eat like that at the Eleven Madison Park Summer House pop-up.

Montauk Summer Ale, infused with just enough hoppy bitterness to remind you that no, you can't afford a house out here.