Sunday, August 30, 2015

Surf and (Deconstructed) Turf

Brooklyn has all the street cred right now.  The Brooklyn Nets, the Brooklyn Islanders, Brooklyn Brewery, Brooklyn Bowl, and now Brooklyn Annette Cahan!


First stop on the cities-over-100-degrees tour, the sprawling metropolis of Houston. Shouldn't they be saving their funds for the Trump Wall, instead of erecting hipster parks with High Line-esque water features?



Luckily the Parks and Recreation Department was number three on their Governor's list of Big Government institutions that need to be abolished.



It's so hot the water evaporates faster than Rick Perry's campaign finances.


The Menil Collection ranks among America's top private art collections, with an outstanding contemporary line up featuring Picasso, Warhol, and Air Conditioning. With oil trading where it's at the next addition to their collection will be a Colin McCahon.



When the mercury is pushing 105 what do you do? Light a fire of course. Although the s'mores will melt just fine without it.


Jump forward one week and it's time for that time-honored Manhattan summer quest: trying to find a beach that doesn't require a private helicopter to access.


Luckily the gentrifiers strike again: Riis Park Beach in Queens, ironically known as the People's Beach, has been annexed by Brooklyn and transformed into a hipster paradise. Would you like truffle fries with your hand-ground, grass-fed burger? How about a small-batch, organic grapefruit shandy?



The Times may have had a point when they lamented the fact that even a simple public beach has become the latest battleground between the book-your-beach-chairs-on-an-app-and-hop-an-Uber crowd and the locals. Oh who are we kidding, that's DeBlasio speaking. Or it would be, except he's running late.



On the road again, next stop the Second City. Because let's be honest, when you come from Palmerston North every city is playing for silver.



When stuck in the Second City make sure you at least stay in a First City hotel, i.e., hip New York import the Thompson Hotel.



The location, right on Chicago's Gold Coast, is as good as it gets. Oh wait, their New York version is right in the middle of Soho. Number two again, baby.



After the miasma of humidity and rotting garbage that is summer in Manhattan, one is easily seduced by the dark side: you can feel its insidious pull in the lake breeze, you can see it in the property ads for condos that cost less than a NY bar tab, you can taste it in the hot dogs that don't require a two-hour wait. You know you're crossing over when you flirt with that most forbidden of words: livable.



Speaking of livable, judging by the number of strollers in the posh Lincoln Park neighborhood there's really not that much to do here in the evenings.



Every city these days has a neighborhood known as the Brooklyn of <insert second-tier city here>. In Chicago that hood is Logan Square, known for such hip establishments as Fat Rice, a Macau fusion joint that wouldn't be out of place in, well, Brooklyn.



The legendary piri piri chicken, infused with an African-influenced peanut and coconut sauce.



Nothing says hipster like a Steigl Radler in a reclaimed auto repair shop.



You can't legitimately claim Brooklyn cred without a reclaimed, single-screen theater showing something that's only being called art house instead of hard core lesbian porn because it's got some subtitles.



Nightlife on the Gold Coast. Enjoy it now folks because in four months nightlife means a 3am feeding call, and no, we're not talking about swinging by Halal Guys on the way back from Meatpacking.



There's just enough time before brunch for a quick six miles along Lake Michigan.  That's to put some anti-calories in the bank because today is the big day: 14 courses at the fabled Alinea loom large this evening.


But that's a long way off, in the meantime there's plenty of time for a brunch at Trencherman. Because the only thing more hipster than a reclaimed auto repair shop is a reclaimed Russian bath house.



Try deconstructing that juicy goodness, Alinea!



If Logan Square is the grungy Bushwick of Chicago then Wicker Park is her Williamsburg, one of those ultra-desirable suburbs that's just crossed over that invisible line between cool and yuppie. Actually there's nothing invisible about that line, it's when that extra zero gets added on condo prices.



The Bloomingdale Trail is, you guessed it, a total copy of the High Line. Still, if you're going to copy you might as well copy the best. Just like if you're going to blog, make it a J00ster.



If you write it by hand then you can call it bespoke.



Coffee culture has penetrated the heartland of America. What next, cowboys in skinny jeans?



Buckfeet is a purveyor of customized footwear where each shoe has a bespoke design commissioned by a local artist. Because nothing says downtrodden artistic class like stepping on them every day.



Tempting, but Alinea is only a few hours away.



Gearing up for the main event, a three-hour tasting extravaganza at Alinea.


Jackets are recommended for gentlemen. Why Rock is wearing one isn't entirely clear.


Here's some New York sophistication for you Chicago.


Each course plays on a local theme, in this case the graffiti art of the gritty South Side, expressed through a remarkable tomato aerosol.


By pulling out the pin you combine all the ingredients at just the right moment. Genius.



In a homage to the great outdoors of the Midwest, the campfire course involves an actual pine wood fire right at your table. No mosquito here folks, they can't afford it. 




Ok, Team J00ster has been lucky enough to eat at some pretty decent restaurants, but this is just unbelievable. Edible balloons!


Nothing like helium to bring out the subtle apple toffee flavor.


The grand finale involves eating your table. Literally. If you can't wrap your head around that just go try it, it's that good.



When you've redefined the laws of culinary physics the only way to top it is to do the same with cocktails. Aviary, Alinea's sister cocktail bar in the pumping warehouse district of Fulton Market, takes cocktail design to epic heights. How about a ship in a bottle?



Or instead of on the rocks, why not in the rocks? There's nothing old fashioned about an Old Fashioned that comes inside a frozen ball of ice, complete with slingshot contraption to break it open.



Forget about a generic bowl of nuts, the bar snack collection here deserves its own room in the MoMA.


Watch your six boys, I think you make have stumbled into the wrong kind of pick up zone.


Congratulations, you've drunk enough to unlock the elusive 15th course: 2am tacos at Velvet Taco.


It's going to take more than a morning walk to burn off yesterday's indulgences.



So you've got Alinea and brownstones under $40 million... They always did say the Dark Side was quick and easy.