Midtown Manhattan doesn't look Too Big to Fail from here. The mighty Hudson has never suffered a liquidity crisis, even in the dog days of summer when the humidity in Midtown congeals on every square inch of concrete and glass and trading floors run on empty save for a few hapless summer interns stuck watching the Instagram feeds of their bros catching the last Blade flight out to East Hampton.
With lighting like this it's no wonder the painters of the legendary Hudson River School made the valley their studio and the river their easel. Which filter is that again? Oh that's right, the #almostfailedbusaryart filter.
First stop on the tour of the valley, the quaint town of Cold Spring. If it lives up to its name it should prove the perfect oasis on a sweltering late-summer day.
Daddy, I just fired my cannon too, hope you've got an extra pack of wet wipes.
The 2015 vintage is maturing nicely. Look how plump that orange one is, just about ready to harvest for sure.
The Lexington varietal is full bodied with a robust finish, the result of carefully crossing a stocky Midwestern vine with ground-hugging Wuhanese stock.
Daddy, how come all the bottles in my formula tasting were exactly the same? I don't know son, I couldn't tell the difference between the Merlot and the Pinot Noir either.
Ry Ry's first College Game Day! Promise Daddy you'll sneak him into the student section in 18 years.
The Newburgh Brewing Company is just the kind of spot the Times gleefully uses as evidence of the great migration from Brooklyn to the hickster enclaves of the Hudson Valley. They do have a point, it's an old shipping warehouse on the banks of the Hudson that's been kitted out with a big screen, micro brewery, and farm-to-communal table kitchen.
That's a big dumpling you've got there, what's it stuffed with? Roast goose?
Home for the next two days is a big old Victorian overlooking the Hudson. The town of Newburgh was once a thriving industrial port before slipping into inevitable decay as container ships from China replaced barges on the Hudson. Luckily while we wait for Trump to build The Wall the hipsters have already spotted an opportunity to Make America Great Again, one small-batch cold brew at a time.
The Newburgh waterfront has been transformed from a working port into a line-up of riverside restaurants. All that's missing is an express ferry to Williamsburgh. Newburgh, is that a prescient name or what?
Billy Joe's Ribworks is the perfect place to take an impressionable young lad. Yes son, there are more ways to enjoy animals than the petting zoo.
Sunrise over the Hudson. Daddy has seen more sunrises in the last 8 months than the rest of his life.
It turns out Franklin Delano Roosevelt gave us more than interminable traffic jams along the East River. He gave us a New Deal too, which is sort of like a TARP with much better branding.
If FDR can lead a nation without being able to walk I can certainly make it to the picnic rug.
Don't worry, FDR was in a wheelchair, I'm sure his house is stroller accessible.
Gripping stuff this Infamy speech.
Daddy when I'm President I'm going to make sure my library has "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You."
The final resting place of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. Hopefully our future leaders will do enough to earn the same respect.
Mired in a Great Depression? Can't find work? You want a New Deal? I've got plenty of work for you, starting with a fresh diaper.
Looks like history does repeat after all.
Listening to FDR's fireside chat over the radio. It's kind of like Spotify, but with, well, a roaring fire.
Now you listen up Vladimir, keep your hands off the other kids' toys. And keep your shirt on too, no one wants to see your diaper poking out.
Next stop, Olana, the magnificent estate of Frederick Edwin Church of the Hudson River School. Hang on, aren't artists supposed to be destitute with one ear? Turns out if you actually paint stuff people want to buy, like lush Hudson Valley landscapes, instead of entombing your own feces in a jar you can do ok. Who would have guessed?
Daddy, maybe you shouldn't have thrown away your paintbrushes? What have you got to show for all those spreadsheets, other than macros that break every time you click refresh?
The glitterati of the Gilded Age.
Trying on some Hubei style.
In Brooklyn you can get your cold brew at a reclaimed motorcycle garage. In the Hudson Valley you can get your cold brew in the front of the garage while they actually fix your motorcycle in back.
Mexican street food is the theme of the day. Since you can get realistic south o' the border E. Coli at Chipotle, these joints have had to branch out in their search for authenticity.
With arms like that this man will have the three burrito sampler please.
Good morning USA! And Hubei.
Let's go check out where the artists who didn't paint their way to a mansion exhibit.
Mei's favorite installation.
As usual, Rock fails to measure up. Bursary Art all over again...
Ryan, don't tell me you took the red bottle instead of the blue bottle?
Who does this guy think he is? He's more Hangover than Matrix. Certainly not original Matrix, maybe Reloaded or Revolutions at a stretch.
Daddy, this installation is telling a powerful story about not backing yourself into a corner. Are you sure son, maybe they just used our contractor?
I guess since the resources supercycle ended there's plenty of left over steel. Even artists can afford it now, no wonder BHP is struggling.
The museum itself, set in a re-purposed Nabisco factor, is almost an exhibit in its own right. The vast spaces juxtapose with the absence of space experienced every day by the Manhattanites who make the pilgrimage north.
Did someone say Nabisco? Which way to the Oreo exhibit?
The highlight of the museum is an installation that looks suspiciously like a lot of old couches covered in sheets. Getting hands (and feet) on is encouraged.
Listen up son, I know they're fun to crawl on, but if you want to create this stuff then Massey will do just fine: just hitch up a trailer and head down Ranfurly street on move-out day. You'll find plenty more couches where these came from.
No need for a liberal arts degree son, I'll show you how to dry a sheet on a couch when we get home.
