On your marks! Get set! G..g..get that big fat powerwalker outta my way! Citi2Surf 2006

63,541 runners took their marks for the 2006 edition of Australia's most famous run - the Sydney City 2 Surf. I use the term runners losely because the annual even, which takes participants on a scenic 14km run from Hyde Park in the CBD to the white sands of Bondi Beach, whips up a carnival atmosphere with everyone from the lanky Tanzanian pros to the bunch of blokes in... err... pink salamander suits, out to test themselves over 14km of drenching sweat, blisters and cramps. And of course there, in the midst of it all, starting in 25,771st place was the dark horse of the event - your's truely. His theory, pace himself early, use the pack as a smokescreen, and then make the break on the most grueling section of the aptly named Heartbreak Hill...

76 min, 12 seconds and about 3 litres of body fluids later it's all over (final place: 7,690th). The rush of adrenaline as one rounds the last bend and spots the welcoming arc of Bondi's surf sparkling under the glorious Sydney sun is magnificent; the rush of pain as exhaused feet hit the pavement yet again is less so.

Never has the welcoming shade of the mighty Red Umbrella looked so inviting. A line-up of massage tables and a barbeque lunch awaits as the 370 strong team slowly staggers in. Rock found the latter particularly therapeutic. Mmmm... sausages... Unfortunately after tucking into the feast all the good work of the last 14km is negated, which means it its back again next year for sure...

HSB Who? Get your whimpy little white ping pong paddles outta here, go back to helping kiddies with their piggy banks, and make way for the juggernaught of Red Umbrellas from The Biggest Bank in the World*.

Lycra, just the way you like it... Jared, Devan, if you'd like to leave me your private email addresses, I'd love to forward you an autographed copy ;)

The only thing fatter than the Singapore WhaleJet was the 60 year old bloke with the kneebrace who oh so foolishly decided to challenge me on the ascent up Heartbreak Hill. All I can say is, I hope it didn't take on literal connotations for you mate, and if you let me know which hospital you ended up in, I'll make sure I send some flowers. Oh, and next year, there's a "Back of the Pack" box to tick on the entry form for a reason...

It seems like all of Sydney was out there running, but if you look hard enough, you can always find some lazy slackers who'd rather make an impression with a carefully matched turquoise cardigan and purse combo, than with form-fitting lycra and a bucket of sweat. Go figure.

* By market cap.