You forgot your tank top and spray tan, this is the Jersey Shore kid, not Amagansett. Although in fairness that sleek ride over there would glide pretty smoothly into Sag Harbor.
Smart of the pirates to pick the Shore for their secret lair, there's no risk that tattoos or gold teeth will attract any extra attention. Slap a Jeep Wrangler logo on your pirate ship and you'll sail right into the parking lot of your local strip mall Godfather's undetected.
Walk the plank? Yes please, it's 10am and the mercury is already hitting the 90s. Just like all the music they play down here on the Shore.
A crew dastardly enough to curdle the blood of any babysitter.
The gangplank is up and the sail is unfurled, let the treasure hunt begin! Actually the parents on board already found it: an hour of entertainment for the kids and four bars of 4G the whole voyage.
Man the cannons, don't let them set foot on Manhattan! They've already overrun the bridges, tunnels and Red Lobster Times Square, don't let them claim the waterways too.
Ahoy matey, looks like a good haul of swag you pulled up from the deep. Either that or you found a Dollar General container that slipped off the back of the last cargo ship.
Shiver me timbers! No shivers here, it's 95 degrees and rising.
The Garden State may have inferior pizza, bagels, and heck, even mobsters, but you got to hand it to them, they do have some fine beaches.
I think the Shore Bros spend a little bit more time lifting and a little less time in front of Paw Patrol.
Yes son, it may be quicker to dig a new tunnel to Manhattan rather than queue for the Lincoln Tunnel at the end of a summer weekend.
Sunrise on the Shore and not a boardwalk to be seen. Squint a little and you're on Two Mile Beach, with a Jack's Stir Brew in hand.
It's kind of like Tatooine. Or Jakku, for all my readers in that coveted Generation Z demographic.
A Jersey donut that's not from Dunkin? Maybe there is hope after all.
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