Porto Tonic Part 3: Baby Vines

Before the barrels of port are hefted onto galleons for their arduous voyage to the overpriced wine lists of the New World, they begin their lives in the fertile soils of the UNESCO-listed Douro Valley. 

The medieval town of Amarante guards the gateway to the valley's riches. Because nothing slows marauding invaders like an artisanal gelato shop, complete with turquoise single-speed.

Son, the monastery life requires eschewing such worldly distractions as WiFi. How would you read your old man's blog?

Where's Chris Christie when you need him? The ancient bridge is so narrow he wouldn't even need his cronies to block it for him, just stand in the middle and none shall pass.

It's not everyday you stay at a hotel that's older than both the countries emblazoned on your passports. Quinta do Vallado, established in 1716, is one of the oldest vineyards in Portugal, if not the world. Now a minimalist new hotel wing has been seamlessly merged into the 300-year old vineyard complex.

Please choose from the following menu of hipster hats for the duration of your stay.

The orange grove survived 300 years until Ryan showed up. Now there's a real risk it won't last 30 seconds.

Luckily the pilfered oranges can be disguised as artful balcony decor.

It's ok Daddy, it's Europe, they're very liberal about public displays of diaper over here.

I'm telling you, it was all the rage in Magellan's time.

Daddy, I hear the 2015 vintage was a good year? Sure was son, that's why it's going to cost so much in 18 years. No scholarships when you've got a misdemeanor felony for pinching oranges.

A UNESCO World Heritage site is deemed to be an irreplaceable source of inspiration. The whole irreplaceable part is a bit worrying with a toddler on the loose.

So big people, why is it that when I eat grass I get yelled at but when you do it's called a foraged tasting menu?

Oh look, they did remember one thing from Massey, not a total waste of four years.

Remember your table manners Ryan, no mention of the prequel universe at the dinner table.

Let's retire to the drawing room for an after dinner milk.

Why circumnavigate the world when you can stop halfway in Big Bay?

Now that the kid is in bed, time to get this all-night balcony party started.

Half a glass of red later.

He chose... wisely.

Even a sophisticated motion-sensing laser array can't stop a professional orange thief.

With a carry like that he's a surefire first round pick. If you can run that fast with a stolen orange imagine what you could do with some illicit crab legs.

Fertilizing the grapes are we?

Two expert vintners captured in a moment of quiet contemplation as they mentally prepare themselves for the most important tasting of their careers. Stay focused and just remember, if it's sweetish with subtle notes of desperation and a Kendall Jenner #fail then it's probably Pepsi.

Don't fall in, the contents of your diaper would void their UNESCO status.

According to Elizabeth Warren high fructose corn syrup causes climate change, makes banks too big to fail, and drives the spiraling cost of education. Sad!

Like summer pop-ups in the Hamptons the big thing for Porto restaurants is to open sister establishments in the Douro Valley. The D.O.C. takes all the glam of the Porto's acclaimed D.O.P. and transports it to the vineyard-clad banks of the Douro River.

Yes Ryan, that's probably the same fish you saw swimming up river an hour ago. It's that fresh.