Zimbabwe, Zambia, and the Zambezi - there aren't enough Zs in a Scrabble set, especially if Rock has already squandered the only one on his usual low-scoring ZOO play.
Home base for the next three days, a rustic lodge on the outskirts of Victoria Falls, a small town on the Zimbabwean side of, you guessed it, Victoria Falls. If you're going to see the real Africa, you might as well do it by gazing out at a watering hole from the comfy confines of a game lodge whilst sipping a vanilla milkshake. Or a chocolate one; that's probably what Stanley meant when he named this the Dark Continent.
Here warty, warty! The novelty of having porkers chomping on your lawn wears off quite quickly. How dare these beasts not recognize Man's supreme dominance and give way? It might have something to do with those vicious looking tusks the males sport.
Best not to send this one back to Helen Clark and her UN Development Program. They might get the wrong idea about conditions out here in the wilds of Africa.
That's right, high tail it outta here! There's a new king on the savanna.
And that king luxuriates in watering holes like this, not that muddy hole over yonder that you're heading off to wallow in.
Brewed with the crystal clear waters of the Zambezi, crocodiles and all.
If I put this sash on, will it make the grilled warthog taste better? Actually, it turns out the local cuts are pretty good, with warthog being the standout. Which means there are some juicy future steaks grazing on the lawn back at the lodge.
Steel the nerves boys, when tomorrow dawns 19 fearsome Grade 5 rapids on the mighty Zambezi stand between you and the next beer. If there is a next beer.
"Forward, please!" Simon, our guide, is unfailing polite when barking his commands from the back of the boat, even as the raft tips into the very maelstrom of hell itself.
Grade 5 whitewater. The only thing whiter than the ferociously churning foam is six faces staring into oblivion. It can't be a good sign when suddenly your paddle is grabbing at air as the river vanishes down the yawning precipice.
With hindsight, it was all a little premature. Perhaps it was complacency. Perhaps it was just bad luck. Whatever it was, the rafters were feeling more than a little pleased with themselves after battling through 15 boiling rapids without flipping the boat, including an epic triumph on a deadly patch of whitewater where the guide estimated only a 5% probability of surviving upright.
And then, with laughable ease, the Zambezi claims her revenge, viciously flipping those puny humans and their blow-up toys on two of the last three rapids. There's finishing with a bang, and then there's finishing with a pirouette through the air followed by a desperation grab on an upside down raft to avoid getting swept under the churning Zambezi for good.
Fortunately, there's a few more ladies on the expedition compared to the Livingstone days.
The only way to experience the falls is to get up close and personal. Just how close though no one really realized as they hopped on the boat to Livingstone Island, a sliver of land perched right on the edge of abyss.
How very civilized. Not even a hint of what lies in wait on the island. Hint: if you're scared of heights you may want to close your browser now. Unless you're using Internet Explorer, in which case it will crash before you get there anyway.
In the background you can see the veil of spray rising from the point where the ground falls out from under the deceptively calm water.
The Smoke that Thunders!
The man himself was here. Oh, and Dr. Livingstone showed up back in the day too.
Since The Smoke that Thunders is probably trademarked, we'll call this the Thundering Smoke.
Team J00ster has been lucky enough to see some of the far corners of this wide world, but few sights will top the exhilaration of watching an entire river vanish into a cataclysmic explosion of spray and mist deep in the bowels of the earth.
This is bigger than the Big 6, and that's saying something.
No? Surely not! Are you serious? For visitors from a litigious land, the idea that they might actually let you jump into a tiny pool on the brink of the falls is hard to comprehend. Actually, forget the lawyers, the idea that anyone might actually want to jump into a tiny pool on the brink of the falls is staggering.
They don't call this the Devil's Pool for nothing. Jump too far to the right, and you're in the fast moving current which will sweep to away to meet the pool's namesake. Jump too far forward, and you won't need to bother with the current to meet the inverse of your Maker. Jump too short, and the incessant ridicule of your peers will make you wish you'd selected options (1) or (2).
Looks like the crocs are going hungry today.
Hang on, maybe not.
Having survived the Zambian side of the falls, let's see if we can cheat death in a second Z-country on the same day.
But first, a cute baby monkey.
Do you have any farmland by any chance? If so, our glorious leader Robert Mugabe would like to invite you Harare for some... uhm... dialogue.
Wait for it... wait for it... Dr. Zhu, I presume? Who didn't see that one coming?
Seeing the falls from this side makes one appreciate not having fallen over them. It would be one long death plunge, with plenty of time to contemplate the folly of your ways.
Three Amigos II: The Fourth Amigo. Number 1 at the box office for two straight weeks.
"A scene gazed upon by angels in their flight" - Dr. Livingstone. Poetic chap that doctor.
The Little 6.
The elusive Two Phat is a difficult beast to track. With no fixed territory it has been known to frequent multiple continents, often in the space of only a few days. Those seeking a rare sighting are advised to study carefully the United.com deals page for leads.
J00sters, on the other hand, can usually be found quite easily as they are typically confined to a single temperate island bordered by two rivers and the Atlantic Ocean.
Look at those idiots over there jumping onto the edge! What kind of fool would do that? These American tourists are so dumb, good riddance when they fall off!
He doesn't often often drink cola, but when he does, he prefers Coca Cola. Hang on, who are we kidding, he drinks the stuff all the time. Whether he's the Most Interesting Man in the World, that's a question for the ladies.
Don't touch the elephants or they'll touch you.
The new owner of the Houston Texans, America's first 100 trillionaire.
And when you have 100 trillion dollars to spend, why not head over to the salubrious Victoria Falls Hotel to enjoy the finest things that 20 USD... I mean 100 trillion dollars... can buy.
Turns out even 20 bucks goes quite far in this land. In fact three layers far.
One side is Zambia, the other is Zimbabwe. The problem is, every time you traverse between the two they ping you 50 bucks for a new visa. That's one expensive bridge.
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